There has been something on my mind that i really want to share so that maybe it will finally stop hurting me so much. At first, i didn't want to say anything because i was scared it would hurt someones feelings, but honestly, i don't care anymore.
Eight, maybe nine years ago, for reasons that make no sense to me, my oldest sister stopped letting my mom see her granddaughter. For one year after that, my mom cried on almost a daily basis. She would sit on the front porch and wonder what she had done wrong. What had she done that could have made her daughter do something so drastic?
Finally, my mom went on about her life, realizing she would one day have grandchildren from her other children that she WOULD be able to see. She knew that me for sure, being a mommas girl, would never deny her any rights, or would ever push her outta of my life! She knew she could always count on me!
But, for some reason, i still wanted to talk to my oldest sister(and so did my younger sister). Why? i have no clue, but i wish i had been smarter! My oldest sister would often post on her Myspace how she was 'deprived' as a child because she didn't get what all the other kids in her school had when she was growing up. I don't care if you are joking or not, when your mother is a single mom, you live with what you got and are thankful you have the things you do have!
My sister always told me to speak my mind and when i did, she didn't like it and blocked me from e-mailing her. So, whats the point in speaking my mind if you can't handle what i have to say? I mean really.
Anyways, i ended up being let down by her numerous times. I just got tired of it and realized i didn't need her in my life. So, like she did to my mom, i blocked her out of my life (while my younger sister kept talking to her). Blood doesn't make someone family, it just makes them related! She may be related to me, but she is not my family!!
Most may think this is petty and stupid of me, but you were not there to watch my mom cry. You were not there to see how much not seeing her one and only grand child hurt her. It was pure hell. i couldn't stand it. it just plain sucked!
After all of this happened, i graduated, got married and then got pregnant. On September 2, 2009, i had my daughter!
And then...only one month later... 8 years after my sister had done the unthinkable, my niece contacts my mom.
Hum, coincidence? i think not! Suddenly there was a new grand baby in town and my sisters kids were not the ones getting spoiled(and, by the way, by this time, my sister had another child whom was 5 at the time). I'm not jealous by any means, i just think it is crap that it took a new grand baby and a custody battle between my oldest sister and her ex husband over my niece(mhm!!) to get my sister to bring the kids around. I was happy my mom was finally able to see her grand kids, but why now? why after 8 long years?
The sad part? by this time my niece was 12. last time we had seen her, she was 4. She was all grown up and we knew nothing about her....NOTHING. That hurt more than anything. It even hurt more than her not being around for 8 years. When you grow up knowing someone, you know their likes and dislikes but do you know how long it takes to put 8 years of a missing puzzle back together?
But i want to put my oldest sister through the same hell she put my mother through. She has a niece that she will not know for AT LEAST 8 years. The only person who doesn't seem to like this idea, is my youngest sister who says I am the only one not over the whole ordeal.
...Right... as if you can get over something that happened over an 8 year span, in a split second. Not going to happen. I will never forget what she did to my mother and our mother will never forget either... NEVER... She will always be reminded because she doesn't know her grand children and her granddaughter has no interest in the same things she used to like. My mom just hides the pain to keep everyone happy, but really, you can hear it in her voice that she is still hurting.
So basically, because I refuse to forget what my older sister did, my younger sister is all over my case about me not having a job and staying home with my daughter and speaking my mind. She, too, blocked me for that!
You can sit there and say that you feel sorry for the life my daughter must 'endure' but really and truly, she isn't, by any means suffering and you, not being a parent yourself, have no right to judge me on my parenting skills!!! No, she doesn't have gap or old navy clothes. She also may never have a coach purse, wallet or shoes. And she may never get Starbucks on a regular basis! Those things are all non needed items in life and i am sorry that you feel they are required to live. She is fed, she is clothed, she has toys, she has a roof over her head and she has two DAMN good parents that love her and that put her first before everything. It doesn't matter if they are clothes used by friends kids, and it doesn't matter if we are not paying for that roof, what matters is she has it and her daddy is doing the best he can to provide for his family while I stay at home with her because it is the best thing for HER.
if you cant see that, then i feel sorry for the life YOU will endure. You will one day learn, sweetie, that everything isn't handed to you on a silver platter. Right now your Daddy pays for your phone and pretty much gives you everything you want, but not forever girlie. Life isn't so simple! Wait until YOU are the one paying your $200+ phone bill or buying the nice IPhone with your OWN money! It isn't all glitz and glam and it sure as hell isn't cheap!
Life is about love and the people in it, not the stuff you can buy and show off.
Everyone deals with things in their own way... my way of dealing with my anger is to hold grudges, never forget what happened and to vent through my writing. No one has to like it! <3
Until next Time!
~Blahgallaboutit~
Honey, you are absolutely right! You're doing what's best for your child, taking care of her the best you can, and I, for one, admire you for it. I'd be doing the same thing for my daughter if I could. I'm just glad she doesn't have to go to daycare. 90% of the time she's with her Daddy, so she's still getting time with both her parents. If I didn't work, Chance would be working 2 jobs and then Shay would never see him.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, you are doing right by Baylynn and no one better ever tell you otherwise! And if it's such a problem that she doesn't wear baby gap and old navy...Go to Goodwill in the Woodlands. My mom-in-law spend $48 and got Shay a ton of clothes...All name brand and some still had tags on it!
I'm proud of you for doing what you're doing, and I KNOW it's hard. You're doing the right thing.
And hey, I'm not condoning holding grudges, but it's your thing. And in extreme situations, sometimes people deserve it. Sometimes when we've been hurt so badly, we have to deal with it in our own way. And so what if holding a grudge is your way? Maybe in a year you'll decide she's had enough and you'll drop it. Cuz after all, she is your sister.
And take it from me, losing your sister is one of the worst experiences you could ever go through. And it makes it worse if you're angry at the time.
<3 you!