Every woman who wants children at some point in their life dreams of the day her first child will be born! The day you find out you are pregnant is when that dream slowly becomes a reality.
The dream is short lived, for some though. When the bleeding starts... when that ultrasound monitor shows a black hole... No little bean you thought you would see, no little heart beat and a very quiet technician.
Jeffrey and myself were overly excited about getting pregnant the first go around! We were newly weds and although times were tough, we just knew that little bundle would change it all! We started looking almost immediately in newspapers and on Craigslist for baby stuff. At about week 4 of the pregnancy, we found a crib for only $10 that had only been used 2 or 3 times! We went to look at it and it was in perfect condition so we bought it! For $10, who wouldn't?! We got home and looked up the crib's maker and the cheapest crib we could find was well over $150, so I think we got a heck of a deal!
A few days later, a local store was going out of business, and guess who found baby clothes for a bargain? Yep, me! Since we were only a few weeks into the pregnancy, we had no idea what the sex was, so unisex clothes it was! When we came home, we put the crib up and hung the clothes on the railing! We were well on our way to stocking up!
Then, around week 7, i started spotting. I had read that spotting was normal in some pregnancies, so i didn't let it worry me. A few days later the spotting turned to light bleeding. This did worry me, so we went to one of the local ER's and waited a good few hours for the doctor to give me an exam, tell me i was bleeding, give me paperwork with 'threat of a miscarriage' at the title and sent me on my way. There was no 'you are bleeding, so lets do an ultrasound and see whats going on' there was just a 'you're bleeding'. Really doc? REALLY?! I had no idea!
So, we went home and i followed the 'bed rest until your next doctors appointment' the paperwork (not the doctor) told me to do.
A few days later, I received a care package from my mom with 2 pairs of booties(one pink and one blue) and a few books to read! I was so excited! Those booties were so tiny and adorable!
That night, we had to rush Jeffrey's Grandmother to the hospital due to what we thought was a bad reaction to a vitamin K shot, and turned out to be pneumonia. While we were there(this was a completely different hospital) we decided to get me checked out again because the bleeding had not stopped.
I was taken back quickly and got dressed into my lovely gown. Only minutes later, my doctor came in and said he was going to give me some blood tests, a urine test, and 2 types of ultrasounds to see if we could figure out what was going on.
Well, minutes later, a nurse came in to take blood, and then minutes after that another nurse came in for the urine sample and just minutes after that i was sent back to get the ultrasounds.
I was so excited! I was finally going to get to see my little bean! The technician turned on the monitor and started working away pressing 1000 different buttons(or so it seemed). Jeffrey kept asking her questions and she wouldn't answer, she would just say 'hang on, let me get this recorded.'
Then i looked up at the screen. This is when i knew. I knew deep down, there wasn't a baby anymore.
I had seen ultrasounds on all of the baby and pregnancy shows and knew what to look for. But this, this was a black hole...an empty sac. I honestly think i was in shock.
I was wheeled back to my room but i didn't tell Jeffrey what i already knew. I am 100% sure i didn't want it to be true.
About 30 minutes later, the doctor came back in, sat us down and told us we were more than likely miscarrying. He said there was a 10% chance that maybe our dates were wrong and we might still be pregnant. 10% chance doesn't give us a lot of hope, but for some reason, i didn't cry. I still think i was in shock...and then the doctor laid his hand on my shoulder and someone opened the flood gates. I don't know what it was about that touch but it started a flood of emotions.
We were sent home. The whole way home i just sat there quietly and kept wondering what it was that I did. Why was my body denying me of the one thing i wanted most in life?
We were finally home. The normal 30 minute drive felt like it had taken hours. All I wanted to do was curl up in bed, go to sleep and then wake up from this bad dream. As soon as we walked into our bedroom, though, the first thing we saw was the crib...set up so perfectly. Seeing this set off 3 days of tears. I didn't want to eat, i didn't want to sleep, i didn't want to talk to anyone. I just wanted my baby back.
And then, on November 26th, 2008 Our baby angel made their way to heaven. Thanksgiving day. Oh what a day to give thanks for all the things we have.
You know, thinking back, everyone always said when you are having a miscarriage, you go through a ton of pain. They said you will cramp badly and bleed heavily. Well I am here to tell you I didn't cramp until the day i miscarried and it wasn't bad, it was just a few little cramps here and there and my bleeding wasn't heavy until afterwards. The only reason I know for a fact i miscarried on thanksgiving day was because I went to the bathroom and a tiny pea sized, fluid filled sac came out onto the toilet paper.
I know so many women go through this and 95%(just my made up percentage...nothing scientific about it) of the time, there was nothing that could have prevented it. At the time, i blamed myself. I just knew i had done something wrong, but in reality, i had probably done every thing right(well minus the pickles and mayo sandwiches i had to have every night!)!
Losing a child is hard for anyone, no matter the age. Even in the short amount of time i carried our baby angel, i still loved him/her(and still do!). To this day, i still cry every now and then(and i am sure i always will) when i think back to those few weeks and wonder what he or she would have looked like, but then i look at our beautiful baby girl and think of how she came about and how she was a wish come true; a pure miracle, and all of those tears turn to smiles!
Until Next Time!
~Blahgallaboutit~
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